I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
