You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
