I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
