Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
