ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
