I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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