i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
