The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
