I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
