Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
