the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
