my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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