i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
