He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
