He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
