now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
