dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Boobs speak an international language.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
