So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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