i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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