i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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