8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
