Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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