she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
