You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
