Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
