Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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