On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
