Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
