Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
