I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we're making bets on your personal life
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
