I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
