please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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