There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
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