That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
