ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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