so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
