Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
