I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
