final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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