I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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