Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
