i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
