forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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