Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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