I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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