she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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