What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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