He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
