When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
