someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
