Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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