I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
